Because I Know You Still Read It

I wrote this back in October of last year. Since then, a LOT of things have happened. A LOT. I mean on an EPIC scale. Most of it was not my intention, but it happened anyway. Let's be clear - I AM NOT AN ANGEL AND I AM NOT PERFECT AND I DO NOT DECLARE MYSELF TO BE A MARTYR OR SAINT, so if I paint myself blameless, make absolutely no mistake, I could easily have handled all this better than I did by staying out of it. I do have an utter intolerance for narcissists and being raised by one I can recognize them from other people's stories about them at this point.

Side note:  My education was focused on learning more about autism and its mechanisms because I have an autistic child, but I also studied mood and personality disorders extensively, and stay at least reasonably versed currently.  I earned an MS in Psychology/Counseling and MBA in Healthcare Management because my actual field is medicine.  I blog because it helps me keep things straight.

See, to break it down, this goes back 30 years. I know, I know, I said I wouldn't write about it anymore, but as I was going through my files looking for something else, I happened upon this email I had written to her and it just kind of picked the scab off an old wound.....and here we are. There is literally no closure because neither of us are done. I would prefer to be at peace with everyone, for everyone to get along and to be able to be frank and honest about everything - but it ain't in the cards, sis. It just is not possible with all these variables. Yes, Sherry, if you would come down off your high horse and reach out to me I would speak to you and we might be able to settle all this mess with EVERYONE so this COULD have a happy ending before you die. Otherwise, go on living the way you're living and enjoy the only two grandchildren you'll ever be able to see because as long as you maintain your toxic "charms", these kids are done with you and I cannot fix that.

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STORY TIME

So, 30 years ago, in the extra white trash kingdom of Sweet Home, Arkansas we all met. I'm blaming my sister. She met Jim and Jim talked his brother Robert and their friend Jerry into coming and picking her up because she was his "girlfriend" and then eventually I met Jerry when I was driving her out to see Jim and we hit it off like soulmates or something. It was an adventure, to say the least. I make it sound romantic, but it wasn't. Jerry, you see, was "romantically" involved with Robert and Jim's sister, Sherry, who was married to Phil and pregnant with her second child. She claimed Jerry was the father, but she had told Jerry about the man she was seeing behind Phil's back, so to this day it's up for debate. It's a debate laid to rest because last year, Jerry adopted Jake legally, at 29 years old, and now he is his father, for better or worse, after all these years.

During the last 10 years since Jerry crept unexpectedly back into my life (after 14 years), and after so many years of quiet and peace without Sherry's jealous rages and attempts at jabs, I was loathe to face the albatross of my past again. See, Jerry and I got married in 1993 after dating on and off for two years. Sherry wasn't interested in marrying him until he was serious with someone else, so she dangled the child in front of him and the idea of family, and we divorced after a paltry 8 months of marriage. The poor thing was too naive to understand what it was going to do to his future. Four years (and multiple affairs on both their parts) later, a daughter was born. Now, fast forward to 2012, and both of those children were traumatized by the absolute lack of parenting that went on in that marriage. They got divorced in 2002 and then remarried a couple of years later, then finally split(ish) in 2010 (she still dangled reconciliation in front of him until 2012 when she inserted the final nail in her coffin). You can just imagine what went on in that household during their marriage (and between breakups). Obviously, the only way this is any of my business, is that their biological daughter came to live with Jerry and I in 2013 because Sherry could not deal with her. She used the excuse that Bailey just wanted to be closer to her father and brothers - but no mother in the history of ever would give up her child for that reason. No, she didn't bother to tell us that Bailey suffered from PROFOUND emotional/behavioral issues that spurred from childhood abuse and neglect. Nope, we were blindsided by it and I'm not 100% sure I dealt with it as well as I could have had I been better informed, but she's 23 now and still alive, not pregnant, not on drugs, and hasn't been married yet so....

I adopted Bailey after she moved up here and Sherry gave her the quintessential narcissistic silent treatment for over a year. She lied to everyone about the circumstances, but this is how it went. In August 2013, two weeks before school was supposed to start, she asked me to take Bailey. She asked me, not Jerry, let's be REAL clear on that point. I agreed without hesitation because a mother who will reach out for help is one I'll pay attention to in any circumstance. Besides, I love Bailey and was more than willing to take her. In September, when Bailey's name change paperwork went through and she took Jerry's last name and my middle name (because SHE chose it -and does not regret it to this day), Sherry got her feelings hurt and lashed out at Bailey with the fury you might show an enemy. That was the last time they spoke. Bailey had enough of the abuse and she blocked her. Sherry blocked me, because that makes a lot of sense to do when someone has your child.

I filed the beginning of adoption proceedings in May of the 2014. The attorney told me I would need to wait until a year had gone by without any kind of support or meaningful communication. That wasn't hard. We didn't hear from her aside from a random email here and there telling me to have Bailey call her. Now, let's be clear, I responded to the emails but I would not force Bailey to do something that traumatized her. If Sherry had wanted to see her, all she had to do was stop. She had our address. She sent flowers to this address the day after Bailey's 16th birthday. She knew where we were and she drove past here every time she went to Little Rock to see her sons. She was NEVER told she wasn't welcomed here. I would have stopped it if was my daughter.

In January 2015, after months of waiting, deliberating by the hardest judge in my county, the adoption was finalized and my name was put on Bailey's birth certificate - and for the first time in Jerry's life, he knew his child's blood type because we stopped and got her birth records from the hospital where she was born. Then we had a DNA test done to be 100% certain Bailey was his. She is.

We have had our ups and downs with her but she left high school and got her GED early because the environment in high school was too toxic for her in her current emotional state. It was just the best strategy we could work out at the time. No, I would not make her continue. No, I don't regret it, but I think sometimes she does. She's doing online classes, just like I did, and getting herself into the medical field like me. She wants to help people, like me, and learn how to overcome her childhood.

For whatever reason she thought she could do something like this, during one of Bailey's lowest points in life, she reached out to Sherry. Instead of being supportive and loving, like a mother who actually MISSED HER CHILD would be, she was ready with the gaslight and blameshifting from the first conversation. It was all about how bad she hated me and how I had ruined everyone's life. It took Bailey less than a week of that crap and she was done talking to her and she called me and asked me how to fix it. I told her she needed to end it with a goodbye and be thorough this time, don't leave her hanging with a "block". Really, tell her how you feel. So she made the video that I posted in one of my other's blogs. Sherry's mother was having brain surgery that week (and has since tragically passed away), so emotionally it probably wasn't the perfect time, but as I said in my email, when is a good time for such tidings? Like "hey mom it's been years since we've spoken and I really want to come see you" and then shift to "you know what, no, you're actually a nightmare and I never want you in my life" happened in the course of a calendar week for Sherry while her mother was in Alaska having brain surgery. I can see that being hard on anyone, well, except a narcissist. They don't have that sort of gland available for use, I'm afraid. God she needs therapy.

Anyway, so in October of last year I wrote her this email and sent it. She didn't read it, but I edited it to include the reasons why she's excluded from all our lives now and here it is. Just so we're all on the same page, I fully support Jake and Lauren's decision to keep the drama from their child. I don't care who it is. If it's me, then I support that as well. If they feel I'm damaging to their life or their child's life, then maybe I am. I will gracefully bow out until I can change my behavior (though I will never be a suckup).

Halloween 2020

Sherry,

I know it’s categorically impossible for you to differentiate fact from fiction, but if Bailey wanted to talk to you, I would fully support that. Everyone knows it, including you. Stop. Just stop. Jerry and Jake reconciled because I encouraged it! How thick are you?? I've NEVER wanted division (tearing families apart/husbands from their wives, etc.); that's your job.

Michael and his parents have been like family to me since before he was born. You reaching out to him was about as foolish as reaching out to Zack or Hayden. None of them will be kind to you because they know what Bailey and Jerry (and Aaron) have told them about you. While some were exaggerated versions, I have found most of what I've been told about you to be true.

What you don't understand is that Bailey is 22 years old and does not live at home. She CHOSE to tell me about communicating with you, the video chats with you and Raidyn and Jack and how much you think she looks "just like you" (she doesn't), but she wanted to stop talking to you and didn't know how to go about it diplomatically. Hence the video she made FOR YOU telling you how SHE felt; not me. Those were not my words, but I supported her telling you instead of leaving you hanging (again). I agree the timing could have been better, but when is a good time to receive/send tidings like those?

She has no interest in talking to you Sherry. She has a Straight Talk phone - no calling records. I couldn't see who she talked to if I wanted to. She has unlimited minutes for texting and talking. She has your number in her phone. SHE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU. How about respecting her wishes, as an adult, and leaving her alone until she reaches out to you? I feel certain, as I told you in 2013, that she will at some point want to have a conversation with you. When she reaches that stage in life, I'll fully support whatever choice she makes and it will have ZERO bearing on how I feel about her or how I know she feels about me. You can love more than one person at a time; or did you not know that?

We're done dealing with you at this point. I realize we share a granddaughter and that is going to be the case until we're dead. Eloiny doesn't deserve to even know any of this is going on or ever happened. She will know whomever Jake and Lauren want her to know and we will all love her and be just as protective of her as we have been with Bailey for the rest of her life. As a fact that I'm certain makes you extremely uncomfortable, I'm only in the lives of people who want me there and unless I'm asked, I will never step into a lane where I don't belong.

You've been asked to leave Bailey alone multiple times now and she is an adult. You have tried to contact her through Michael now, and that's a little stalky and kind of triggering for some people. Nobody wants to hear from you in this family, but should we be in a position to have to stomach your presence for any given function, rest assured Jerry and I will be on our best behavior and you will not be treated unkindly. I fear your outburst in November sealed your fate with Jake, though. He does not forgive/forget easily. You should have responded/made an effort/come to the wedding, and I'll leave it at that because I'm not speaking for Jake (unless he asks me to - and I think we both know how that will play out).

You knew what kind of person I was in 2012 or you would NEVER have let Bailey leave and come to Arkansas with Jerry and I. You knew I wasn't the monster you've made me sound like to everyone else. You knew, and yet you still created these fabrications for everyone in your circle. Odd how quiet you are now that some of them have met me and figured things out on their own. I'm still that same person. You asked me in Hope to look after Bailey as if she was my own and I have done exactly that and nothing more. You asked me, with tears in your eyes, and I promised you I'd treat her no differently than Hayden or Zack. I've fulfilled my promise. You can play the martyr card all you want to in your mind, hon, but you know good and well if Jerry and I had kidnapped Bailey from that house on First Street we'd have been in jail so fast it would have made all heads spin! You know good and well taking a minor child across state lines without authorization from the custodial parent is punishable, yet here we stand with none of that on our record. Why do you suppose that is? Oh, because you freaking LIED. You brought her to Hope! You asked me to take her - ME, not Jerry. You asked ME if Bailey could come live with Jerry and I until you got your ducks in a row and could make it up here. I was sitting at Regions Bank ATM putting money into the account I set up for you in MY name, not Jerry's. Remember that? No, heaven's no, that's far too inconvenient a memory isn't it? It's so much easier for you to pretend to be a victim and make us out to be the bad guys when we're not in the picture!

I'm speaking for me and me only when I say this, I'm done talking to you or acknowledging your existence in this life. You have been nothing but a splinter in my foot since I met you. I'm grateful to have our beautiful daughter and I used to be grateful to you for that, but I'm not anymore. You damaged her in ways that I cannot even put into words with your filthy behavior and lack of morals. I'm grateful to have all that I have always, and whether you're the source of it or not, I'm still grateful for it, but I am not grateful for or to you. I'll thank God for His mercies and His gifts and I'll leave you to the devil that made you.

Shannon Lawson, MS, MBA, PhD (pain in your butt)