Testing A Theory

Written in 2021

Every now and again even the brainiest human has to admit that they've had a truly stupid moment. I'm sure for Bill Gates those moments are routine nowadays, but for me they're still kind of few and far between (but they exist).

What do you actually know about my life from reading my blog? Well, a lot, actually. I don't have much to hide but I do try to keep a pretty low profile. Does that make sense? Probably not and y'all probably don't care anyway, so keep reading to find out more. Haha

Once upon a time, there was an average child who lived an average life, and made really good grades at school but was a nerd in her social life. This child grew up with the same hopes, dreams, goals and ambitions as any other girl, I suspect (baseless, I never asked anyone what their dreams and ambitions were so I have no idea). Seriously, I wanted 6 kids, a 2-story house with a picket fence, and I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother and be married to a tall, dark-haired, handsome guy who made tons of money and could take care of us. Not rich, mind you, just comfortable. That was my dream. How the ^&*(#$ did that get skewed into what actually happened?

I did graduate high school but my senior year is kind of an uncomfortable blur. I remember it differently than my schoolmates remember it. Of course, they could have been smoking weed or something, but anyway, I digress. I had a boyfriend, because people had boyfriends in school, duh, but he was nothing special either. Just a run of the mill redneck who would never amount to anything. Then I had another boyfriend and he was a scrub, too. Why did I attract scrubs when my goal was for a tall, dark, handsome man who was successful and brilliant and could father 6 children and buy a 2-story house for all of us (and our dog, we also had a dog in this dream)? Nope, scrubs. Scrubs with no ambition and no goals, that's what I attracted. Gah, a moment of hindsight and I want to go back and do it all over again (knowing what I know now).

So I wanted to do life better than the other adults. I wanted to be a good wife to a good husband and never end up divorced and sharing my kid on holidays and birthdays and fighting over child support and who was supposed to cover them on their insurance. I wanted a real peaceful life with someone who loved me as much as I loved them. I did not find that. I found something else; something I didn't want.

I chose poorly.

Then I had a child who had to deal with my poor choice.

Then I put my family through watching me and my child continue down the road of this poor choice for the next 25 years (no it doesn't stop when they're 18).

Then I made another bad choice.

Then I made another one.

Then I paused for a few years and made some shady bad choices that wouldn't impact my credit score, but should have stayed in my mind instead of my life.

Then I made a HUGE bad choice.

Then I made what I thought was a good choice, but it ended up just being the extended version of an impulse buy with a buyer's remorse that one cannot explain in a blog.

Then, for the love of God, as if I hadn't already made enough, I screwed up again. My youngest son calls it my "midlife crisis relationship", but whatever it was, I loved him.

Then, when all hope was lost, mistake #3 showed back up and I made it again. Hahaha

You'd honestly think after all those screw-ups, and all the lessons I had to learn from them, that I would properly have my head on and would stop making these decisions all together. It's not like I make the right ones anyway. The only thing I've ever done well is raise accomplished sons and run a business.