Looking Back: Reflections on a Year Full of Twists and Turns

So here come the "new year/new me" posts on social media, videos on TikTok about how next year is going to be so vastly different from 2023. I call bullshit. We don't own time, we just try to label it so we have some sense of control over it. News flash, we don't.

I know you all have been waiting for me to post something, just a nugget, just dish a bit of tea about the end of my marriage, and I fully intended to, but when I thought more about it, that just seems to be prolonging the conclusion of the broadcast. What happened? Yeah, I know that's a common question. Well, life happened. I did not live 11 years a fraud, because there were moments, however fleeting, that we were blissfully happy. However, and this is a big "however", those moments are not enough when the biggest tragedies befall you and you have to weather them alone.

What did I expect? Well, after 10 years of marriage, 32 years of knowing him, and a lifetime of loving him, I expected him to be captain save-a-ho when my mother died. He wasn't. Nope, not throwing the dude under the bus, just calling it like it happened. I can stumble, trip and fall, sprain my ankle, and manage through surgeries and deaths and figure it out emotionally all by myself, but then why be married? Taking on the emotional responsibility for an entire life is a struggle all in itself. When you're married, you're supposed to share the burden of life's little mishaps. We didn't. I shouldered all of it, as I have always, and when my mother died followed 3 months later by my dad, I guess my cup overflowed and my breaking point was reached.

He didn't "do" anything. He didn't cheat or leave me for another woman. He just did not DO anything and that can be a bad thing or a good thing. He let our relationship die a horrible, miserable death and no matter how often I gave it CPR, I was the only medic on the job.

My parents both died. Both of them. Both names on my birth certificate are now dead, and I am grieving. I'm not grieving the way "normal" people do, oh dear Lord no, I'm grieving a very Shannonesque sort of way. I'm NOT grieving where you can see it. My marriage has been dead for a long time, I just finally unplugged it from life support.

"Oh? Well everyone thought y'all were so happy and the perfect couple!"

Really? Did you? Damn I need a spot on a daytime soap opera, my acting skills are EXTRA! No, on top of the fact that our struggles extended into areas that I prefer not to mention, I lost my parents and not to put too fine a point on the thing but, straw that broke the camel's back.

If you didn't know us, then you didn't know how our relationship started and that this spans decades. If you didn't know how much I loved him, that I would forgive him for ANYTHING, and that includes ANYTHING, then the tragic realization that he did not love me back is lost on you. I'm not saying he's a narcissist, but I believe him to be a deeply disturbed individual whose measurement of "love" involves more than I can/will give. I guess this is about as vague as I can possibly be and still explain that there is 0% chance that Jerry and I will ever get back together. He has made choices that I cannot and will not condone or accept into my life (now let's refer back to "anything" from earlier in this paragraph). I forgave him for what he did to our marriage, and I forgave him for everything else, but Jerry is his own man now and I wish him the best in whatever he endeavors.

That being said, I am also my own woman. I've been doing this alone for a long time, only with a partner. Now I'm just trying to see how much of it I can do solo. I've managed to lose 130 pounds, wear a size 4/6 in clothing, and I shaved my head in July to have a fresh start on the hair. I am reinventing myself and with that will come a new era of blog. Hopefully it will have no mention of the people who have frequently starred in it.

I hope you have a blessed and happy new year, turn the page, get on with your life, and stop harboring old grudges.

Also, SLM-A, please stop sending Jerry money. He's using it for the wrong stuff. I know you don't care what happens to him unless he's doing something for you, but you do not WANT what Jerry will give you in return. Just a personal side-note to one of my long-time readers/haters. I don't care if you hate me, that's between you and your maker. For my next act, however.....