Covert Narcissism
- Lawson
- Nov 8, 2022
- 6 min read
Originally Answered by Tyler Buchanan: What can you tell me about the female covert narcissist in their life? In my experience, 5 year relationship:
Charming and adorable to strangers/acquaintances. Sweet and friendly.
Mirroring - the covert will mimic your behaviors, phraseology, interests, likes and dislikes, values, etc., and you will feel as though you have met your soulmate. This person understands you! This person is The One!! But it’s all a facade. They’re gathering information about how you do as a provider of narcissistic supply: measuring your attention, vulnerabilities, and determining ways of piercing through your defenses.
Inappropriate statements and behaviors/lack of recognition of or enforcement of boundaries in new friendships/flirting/developing relationships. Inappropriate sharing of personal information too early into a relationship - friendship or flirting. Tells virtual strangers (new social friends and work acquaintances, or even the lady on the plane) how much she loves them, after a few meets [think Desirae and you'll be close]. Projects naivety, but is desperate for attention and therefore grooms inappropriate relationships and emotions. Regular emotional cheating and sometimes physical cheating. Will (in)advertently encourage guys to sniff around looking to get into her pants, and then claim that she doesn’t know why this guy is texting her at 11:00 at night, wondering what she’s doing. (Check her cell phone for easy-to-spot evidence). Flirts outrageously with bosses/men of authority. Gets off on powerful men [think Jack and you'll be close].
Breaks rules and social norms with impunity. Unwilling to acknowledge shame or guilt when confronted. Classic response when confronted: “you do it, too!” or “it wasn’t that big of a deal” or “I didn’t have any choice” or “I didn’t do that!” (even when you saw them do it with your own eyes).
Unable to see shades of grey - absolutely loves or absolutely hates everything.
Will take the things that you love as their own. I support an English soccer team, and suddenly she’s their biggest fan. Doesn’t know anything about the team, but holds herself out as the super-fan to her friends and to strangers when I’m not around. I am a whiskey aficionado, and suddenly she is too - even though she pretty much only drinks Jameson (the Budweiser of whiskey). Again, her (alleged) appreciation of fine whiskey is used as a tool to gain social attention, to build a false persona.
Unable to take responsibility for mistakes/errors/hurting you. There was always a denial or an excuse. “I didn’t mean to do that.” “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “It wasn’t my fault that happened.”
The red flag for this behavior is that the excuses aren’t offered so much as an acknowledgement of the hurt that their behaviors caused, and an appeal to you to forgive them, but rather a recitation of why they had excused themselves any responsibility for the action. Thus, there can be no empathy, no compassion, no acknowledgement of the hurt they have caused. You’re not a team, at all. It’s one person doing whatever they want, and one person suffering, alone.
Desperately judgmental of others, yet terrified that others will judge her. Vocally critical of others who do judge. Unable to recognize their hypocrisy when the paradox is presented to them - again, denial, excuses, and a lack of taking responsibility for their actions.
Unable to face/accept criticism. Like a cornered wet cat, will do anything or say anything to escape responsibility. Including feigning a complete emotional meltdown, wailing and writhing on the floor like a child throwing a tantrum in a grocery store. Like Damien in “The Omen,” when his parents try to take him to church.
Talks sh*t about you behind your back to (her) friends incessantly - is always looking for sympathy, negative attention, popularity - frequently at your expense. For example, one of her girlfriends (who I’ve only met socially one time, and without incident) specifically dis-invited me to a social function she was hosting. This person doesn’t know me, why is she upset with me? Because (I later came to find out) of the covert narc’s character assassinations, while looking for sympathy/attention. By the way, the narc went without me to the event - “well, I can’t not go!”
Inability to plan, financially or in terms of life/events - ongoing, constant financial crises. Schedule crises. Late for everything. Living beyond her means, poor credit scores, always “borrowing” money from me, family, relatives, friends. Always asking for favors.
Drinks too much/causes scenes socially.
Unreliable. Everything and everyone else in their lives comes before you. Their time is their time; your time isn’t considered or valued, and will be given away at the slightest opportunity. “we’ll hang out, just the two of us, next week!” Which rarely happens unless you insist.
Makes everything about themselves - If you baked a cake for a mutual friend’s celebration, and they put the cherry on top, the covert would post a picture on social media and state how proud they were of the cake they made for this friend, and what a good deed it was to bring a cake for this person. You wouldn’t get a tag.
Tired all the time - can easily sleep for a whole day, leaving you sitting around waiting for them to wake up. Falls asleep early when you’re home on the couch, but stays up until the wee hours when out with friends. Grumpy in the morning, even if you wake them up for their own day (“honey, you’re going to be late!” “Leave me alone!!!”). The mask of normalcy is a heavy burden, it can wear you out, apparently.
Unappreciative - you’ll have their (disaster of a) car professionally detailed for them, or clean their garage…. and two days later, it will be a disaster again.
Self centered - will turn every conversation to themselves, has a penchant for one-upping stories. Will ‘let slip’ about an event that they didn’t initially realize shows themselves in a bad light, but then will clam up when pressed for details. Over-dresses, or dresses inappropriately (too sexy/casual for the occasion).
Liar - from little white lies to all-out misrepresentations and fabrications, in order to gain attention/seek sympathy/avoid criticism or responsibility for actions. Is sometimes a profoundly-bad liar, too.
When you start calling them on their bullsh*t and terrible behaviors, they will turn it around on you: “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you!” “You’re always judging me!”
Will devalue/discard you from their lives once they have established a new supply of attention - even if the new supply is obviously comparatively pathetic. I found myself no longer involved in decision making regarding our lives, or included in day-to-day information sharing until discovering what has happened after the fact. Which was strange, considering that I was paying for everything.
I hope you see some things here that will help you avoid the chaos, self-doubt, and pain that a relationship with a female covert narcissist can bring. No doubt it starts out like a dream, but make no mistake you come out of it with deep injuries and an empty heart - and wallet.
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This was one of the most riveting responses I've ever seen on Quora. It was entirely relatable and I found the insight to be spot on. Right now I'm keeping my commentary to myself because of the lives of other people who are dealing with legal matters. Within six months, there will be a full detailed blog about things that have transpired not only last summer, but even recently, that will allow everyone a full view. Everyone who reads my blog that is. :) Even some who don't will still find out and then there will be no more secrets.
Karma will indeed have visited upon your very worthy head, madam, and when she does I suspect your absolute worst nightmares will be realized.
Do you want me to turn this assessment/analogy on myself? Okay, I have no problem with that. Go ahead and call me out on my narcissistic personality traits. I challenge you. I'm 100% certain of my faults and flaws and I make certain that people know ahead of the game who I am and what I'm about and I will treat the janitor the same as the CEO. There's where we are different, because I actually MEAN what I say. You will sleep with the janitor just so you can steal the keys to the CEO's office.
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