Mirroring

If you are a person narcissist can't mirror, they will avoid you, right?

Mirroring is how people learn to connect with others. It is the reflecting back, or mirroring, of what someone says or does. Through this reflection, rapport can be built and connections made. Research has shown that mirroring is very important part in a child’s mental & emotional healthy development.

MIRRORING TO AN INFANT OR CHILD

Originally, “mirroring” is a set of behaviors that are intended to communicate for a child to the parent or caretaker and for the parent or caretaker to communicate back to the child. If an infant or child understands that that the parent or caretaker hears and understands the child then their emotions are validated. For example, a parent or caretaker can mirror to the child by repeating sounds the infant makes with the same tonal intensity makes back to the infant or repeating words back to the child with the same tonal intensity. You actually match their emotions and react to them in a positive and validating way.

MIRRORING IS FIRST STEP IN EMOTIONAL EMPATHY

Emotional mirroring is as simple as repeating back and validating the infant or child's emotional state. It also helps them establish a sense of self. The first step is to identify the emotional state based on what the child is doing and saying. This also includes their nonverbal cues that the child is showing like facial expressions, gestures, and mannerisms. Mirroring helps to facilitate empathy, as a child gains more experience with other people's emotions through mimicking their words, postures and gestures. Mirroring also allows individuals to feel the pain of others when viewing injuries.

MIRRORING DONE BY ADULTS

Mirroring is how people learn to connect with others. It is the mirroring, or reflecting back of what someone says or does. Through this reflection, rapport can be built and connections made. If you can match someone’s facial expression or even level of excitement, you can show empathy for their experiences. When interacting with others, you expect them to some degree match your emotional experiences and this is what mirroring is. If you are sad and they are laughing at you, this can be off-putting and disappointing. The other person has behaved in a way that works against building connection.

RESEARCH ON MIRRORING

There is some research that says the absence of mirroring in the formative years from their parent or caregiver contributed to their absence of a well-defined self and their lack of empathy. It should be noted, the absence of mirroring can lead to other mental health conditions in addition to narcissism, and even people who did not have emotionally responsive parents or caregivers when they were younger and do not all develop mentally healthy symptoms. So it is clear more research is needed to understand this area of mirroring.

MIRRORING WITH A NPD

Mirroring is quite different with a person who has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) due to the absence of mirroring when they were younger and the inability to learn how to emotionally connect with others and develop a sense of self. The absence of a stable sense of self requires them to seek identity elsewhere. During the initial stages (“Love Bombing”) of a relationship with a narcissist, mirroring can be flattering. Normally in a relationship you share your likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, passions in life with them to intensify the bond. However with the NPD they will ask you all about you with intense peaked interest. They want to know all about you.

THE NPD HOOK IN MIRRORING

Then they will repeat back to you THEIR likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, passions in life and you are speechless because this person pretends they have all the SAME likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, passions in life that you do. You believe that this person is the love of your life and an answer to your “dream” partner. This is where the NPD hooks you in. This person appears to be behaving in a way that suggests they listen to you and care about the same things you do.

Mirroring by a NPD can be a manipulative tactic for achieving selfish, devious or damaging purposes. This is an act that a NPD uses to build connection to you in the early stages so that you can be drawn into the relationship. In reality, your NPD has just pathologically lied to you repeating back to you the SAME likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, passions in life that you said to him that is why he wanted to know all about you first. In doing this your NPD is making you believe this “dream” partner of yours is now a “Soulmate”. This is done to quickly move on into having you make a commitment by with being their significant other, moving in together or getting married. Their main goal in doing this is to obtain you to make a commitment to them so they can use you for Narcissistic Supply, while increasing the chances you will stay and continue to serve as the Narcissistic Supply they need.

NPD LACK INTIMACY

Due to their unstable sense of self and lack of empathy, it is very difficult for a narcissist to be able to connect to others on their own. They know that intimacy is needed for a relationship and to have their partner stick around, but they don’t have the skills or abilities to engage in intimacy on their own. They will mirror in the relationship the intimacy from their partner as a way to keep control in the relationship, while increasing the chances their partner will stay and continue to serve as the Narcissistic Supply they need.

ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION

You are asking the question that, “If a Narcissist cannot mirror you then they will avoid you?” First of all, you need to understand that when you meet people this is how people interact. Healthy people use mirroring to communicate and bond together. Most likely you do not have the experience to decipher the NPD behavior which can be so deceptive. However with a NPD you get caught up thinking you have so much in common, amazing sexual chemistry, lots of attention, interaction, and an immediate connection. The answer to your dreams, right? Wrong.

The NPD is an expert at this part. They know that everyone likes to feel special, and their tendency to seek out and court those who are possibly somewhat emotionally vulnerable or overly forgiving or insecure makes this even easier for them. So the only way to avoid a NPD is to educate yourself on how to not be emotionally vulnerable, overly forgiving and not insecure and trust your gut instinct.

So my answer most likely is no because the presence of mirroring by a NPD may not be obvious at first but if you feel like your partner over time only seems to have the interests that are the same as yours. NPD takes it to the extreme and most likely you will not realize it.

NPD ENGAGE IN MIRRORING FOR 3 REASONS

People with NPD engage in narcissistic mirroring for three primary reasons: They lack a stable identity; trying on yours and working to win you over, reflecting back what they think you want to see. However, if someone who seems way too good to be true may be just that, if some of the following are also present.

WHY NPD MIRROR PEOPLE

1. NPD lack their own identity so they must get it from someone else.

2. NPD are trying to give you what you want as a way to win you over due to the fact Narcissists are excellent at control and manipulation.

3. NPD “fake” intimacy because they cannot connect with others on their own. NPD mirror the intimacy in their relationship with their partner as a way to keep CONTROL in the relationship.

CONCLUSION

During the initial stages of a relationship with a Narcissist, mirroring can be flattering. This person appears to be behaving in a way that suggests they listen to you and care about the same things you do. However, this is often an act that is used by the Narcissist to build connection in the early stages so that their partner can be drawn into the relationship. This act is not possible to keep up indefinitely and over time the mirroring becomes more obvious. When you first enter a relationship you expect things to be positive and to share interests with the other person. The presence of mirroring may not be obvious at first but if you feel like your partner over time only seems to have the interests that are the same as yours, mirroring might be present.

Written by Marlene Matlock