Problems

Sometimes I feel like I must be the one with the problem.

It would take all day long to go through all the events in my life that have led up to the creature I have become today, but the short version is that I don't expect people to all be like me. I don't expect all people to like me. I don't expect anyone to like me, actually, because I have no preconceived notions about humanity. People are people and they have their own goals and aspirations, or none; but that's a story for another day.

So, I do not like it when you shoplift from the store. No, I'm not going to go to jail for it, but I don't like being with you when you do it. I don't like being with you knowing that you do it. I can't be proud of a person who steals, randomly, from others. Well, you promised me before we got married that you'd never steal another thing again for the rest of your life. Then I find out you've been stealing all along and lying to me about it. It's by the grace of God that you haven't been caught, but you're still doing it and even if you promise you'll never do it again, finding out that you broke your promise to me is going to hurt me for a while.

Plus, because you have done these things in front of your children, they now think that shoplifting is okay too and so they do it. Even after I asked them to stop, they just look at me like I'm stupid because you do it, so I must be a bitch. I must be the bad guy. I'm the control freak that doesn't want them to get the rush from stealing that isn't hurting anyone and I need to just mind my own business.

No, blaming someone for other people's bad habits isn't going to fix the problem, but calling me a manipulative control freak because I don't want you to continue doing something that is not only illegal but could potentially cost you more than I'm willing to pay.

You're either part of the problem or you're part of the solution to the problem. I've always been on the solution end of these issues because I can always come up with a reasonable plan to live a normal life. Problems can be tended to fairly quickly if one is of a mind to solve them.

Right now I'm just scratching my head trying to figure out if I'm the problem because I'm asking more than what these people are capable of giving. Is it me?

No, I don't want you to do drugs.

No, I don't want you to sleep with a married man.

No, I don't want you to lay around on your dead ass and let life pass you by without even holding a job at McDonald's for heaven's sake.

No, I don't want you to mooch off everyone.

No, I don't want you to use people.

No, I don't want you to be rude to people.

No, I don't want you to have temper tantrums and punch walls and doors and act like a 5 year old child.

Yes, I want you to go to college and FINISH something (for once).

Yes, I want you get a job ANY FREAKING JOB and go to work every single day, drug-free, and work your JOB until you can finish college and have a CAREER.

Yes, I want you to have a decent CLEAN life someday.

Do I push my desires on you? No. But when you cram your shitty life in my face I will say something, you bet your fat fanny I will, but otherwise no, I'm not going to say a word. Hang yourself if that's what you want to do, because I have shown you the path, over and over again. I have explained to you how if you do THIS then THAT is going to happen and you have to STOP DOING THIS in order to create the life you want. Yes, I have gone over that for years now. Still, you refuse my advice and you cling to the putrid stench of the filth you crave (so you can use it as a crutch to get attention/pity from people).

We have all been traumatized in our life, peaches. At some point you have to put on your big girl pants and deal with your problems. Go to a psychiatrist and get on some medications that help people with your type of issues. It won't help because you don't want to stop being the way you are, but hey it's a start.

You can quit blaming me though. You can ALL quit blaming me for your issues.

Sherry can stop blaming me for destroying her life because honey pie that was a mess before you even met me 30 years ago. You ditched Aaron off with Phil because he was too much responsibility for you. I saw the divorce papers. You signed him over without even consulting an attorney to see what your rights were. You ditched Jake off with your momma or whomever would watch him so you could go and do whatever you wanted because you "do what you want". Then you had Bailey and decided you could show her off and let the world see you had a little "mini me", but then let Jake raise her because you were too busy running around with Brian or Margaret or Omar or Lori or whomever else that touched your peepee. Don't blame me for calling you out on it - you did it. Don't do shit you'll be ashamed of later on, that's all I can tell you.

You can stop blaming me for taking Bailey away from you too. What you can do is take responsibility for not telling Jerry and I the truth about her before you sent her up here to live. She is like you, 100% of your bad traits, and you might have told us that she was like that before you just blindly gave us this child and said she wanted to live with us. That's child abuse and neglect. Yes, you're a monster. You chose that. I took care of her the best way I knew how but with the parenting you gave her for the first 13 years of her life there was not much to work with. I gave her something to build off of, but when your foundation is sand and shit.....needless to say it is what it is. You, however, can stop blaming me for taking her when you brought her to me.

Bailey can stop blaming me for the way she is, too. I did not traumatize her by taking away her social media access. I stopped her from traumatizing her family. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and Bailey is realizing that her family has had absolutely enough of her bullshit. Anytime you want to know what really went on here, feel free to ask, but where Bailey goes there drama follows closely behind.

Everyone else who has a problem with me, maybe you need to bring it to me so I can address it. Obviously I have gone out of my way to help everyone and I expected nothing in return and received it; in spades. I did not do it because I'm a narcissist who wants attention. I did it because the people who were supposed to did not. Well, they didn't until after they saw me doing it and they thought to outdo me. LOL Honey, do what you do, I was already there and left by the time you showed up. We all know who the responsible individual is in this game.

If I love you, I love you because I can and not because I expect something back from you. If you don't love me back, that's okay. Don't. I do not need fake love from anyone. I just want real people in my life. Stay your fake ass way WAY all the way over there and let me go on living my life in peace. I promise you, I will not come to where you are and stalk you. You can bet your sweet ass there won't be drama stirred up until YOU stir that drama up.

Here's what I do: I run a business. I care for my granddaughter. I do my best to keep my home and the people living in it going in the right direction 24/7. I pray. I create art and artful projects/journals. I take care of my parents and spend time with them as much as I can. I care of the graves of my beloved dead. I make TikTok videos and surf around on FB from time to time. I have pets and plants and a garden. I have neighbors and friends and goals. I go on vacations and do things with my husband. That's what I do because I'm blessed to be able to do those things.

Now, if you have a problem with me and what I accept/expect and don't accept in my life, then stay out of my life. It's pretty simple. You don't smoke cigarettes inside my home and you don't smoke weed on my property. You don't get drunk at my house where my grandchild lives. You don't slam doors and make a lot of racket at 2 a.m. You do not show up uninvited at 1 a.m. and expect not to have your head torn from your shoulders (in one fashion or another). If you're genuinely kind to me, I'll be 10x kinder to you. If you're genuinely loving to me, I'll be 10x more loving to you. That's always how I've been; not much has changed.

But if you continue to make my life miserable because you're spiteful, willful and selfish, then you can make your life somewhere else because I refuse to allow it anymore.

So yeah, maybe I am the one with the problem after all.