The Hardest Choices

Sometimes it's hard to explain why we make the decisions we make to people who are not personally involved. As a result, I've become pretty determined in my quest to never explain myself at all. Yeah, that does sound rather "duchess" of me, doesn't it? Well, I do enough explaining in my blog. In real life, maybe not so much.

The why really doesn't matter at the end of the day, anyway. If the end result is happiness and contentment, then the why shouldn't matter. If America and Russia were at war for 30 years and then one day there was a revelation that we'd actually make better partners than enemies, and a peace alliance was formed, and all the little countries who had encouraged the fighting for decades were silenced by the choice (North Korea), someone might have questions. Is this real? Are they really going to do this after all these years? Well, what difference does it make? If they don't, they didn't and if they do, they did. How very Alice in Wonderland of me! Haha

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we as humans can eat brussels sprouts for 30 years and then one day just cannot stomach the damned things for some reason. My husband cannot tolerate beans anymore. Lord love him, the very idea of eating beans or cabbage gives him indigestion. Yet, for his entire life, the man has loved beans and cabbage. He doesn't have to explain why he chooses not to eat them. They won't kill him, but they make him feel uncomfortable so he avoids them. We don't have long on this Earth; why spend it doing something that makes you miserable later?

Okay, so we all know that I'm a fairly passive person by nature. I do not like aggression in any form (not even in my chickens and I'll have to explain that later). I never have, to put a finer point on it. Who I am is very reactive, sadly; although much, much less the older I've gotten. I see it differently now.

So let's say you have this cat and this is the most laid back animal in God's creation. This cat would not hurt a fly. You've stepped on this cat's tail and he didn't hiss, didn't scratch, he just flinched and you jumped off quickly and apologized - to the cat. Okay, so you're getting the picture. The cat is a cool cat. Well, even that step was painful but kitty didn't bother with it because it wasn't worth his energy. Yet, if you sneak up on kitty and goose his butt, startle him into action, and kitty takes off across the room and in the process claws the shit out of the side of your foot, you're mad at kitty for hurting you. Let's compare me to kitty.

Me, alone, will not purposefully and with malice aforethought, go after someone because I feel they've "wronged" me. I won't slash tires or set their house on fire, I won't threaten them with a good beating and then follow through on it. Me, alone, no ma'am. It won't happen. Still, I react to maltreatment eventually. Like, eventually, I will speak out and sometimes (most of the time) what I have to say isn't well received by those who goosed me in the butt. Sometimes those claw marks leave scars. It's even worse when you goose one of my kittens. I'm just no longer a laid back cat. Then, I'm something darker and more ferocious and definitely to be feared.

It's like aspirin. Take one a day if you're over 50 just to ward off evil spirits. Take 30 of those darned things at a time and you pretty much can release your own spirit into the beyond. One thing won't do it. One thing won't trigger me into action.

It's nobody's "fault" and even if it was, blame never fixed anything. I've been saying that for decades. Just blaming someone else for the problem won't fix the problem. You are either part of the problem or you're part of the solution. In my case, I'm almost always part of the solution. However, (and this is a BIG however) sometimes that solution is not to everyone else's liking, and often misconstrued as being malicious. Trust and believe, I never had that kind of time. I don't have it now. I won't have it next week. I just don't have the time to plan out an assault and carry it through, so if you think ill of me - that's on you boo, because from any perspective, I've helped every single person in my life at one time or another because I care what happens to them.

Am I in love with everyone in my life? Hardly. I do love humans because somewhere in the instruction manual (I like to call it the Bible but potato/tomato, right) there was this fella who said to do it that way, and then he died and resurrected himself 3 days later. I'm not dropping names but if I knew a person today who did that, I would probably idolize him way WAY more than any actor or actress. Just saying. Will I lay down my life for someone? Possibly, circumstances being what they are, I'm definitely NOT the son of God though so I would think it through before I left my family behind.

I react. I react to positive and negative vibrations just like every other creature on this planet. I have plants on the balcony which respond to positive and negative vibrations. They love attention and nurturing and they wilt when I don't pay attention to them. One of my plants reaches to the heavens and never fades, no matter how long I go without talking to it, just because I've placed it in an area where people pass frequently. Yes, I know it's the cO2 in the air from humans that nourishes the plant, which makes its photosynthesis healthier, but I'm humanizing an inanimate object for the purposes of my story. Human beings often react better when they are treated better, but the world will not rise up to meet your needs and if you have sandy vagina every time someone calls you a "bitch" I can assure you of one thing, you need to stay home and not get on social media, because eventually it will happen.

Everyone has trauma, me included. I know everyone thought I was just carried around on a pillow and treasured and precious when I was a child because I lived with Momoo and Popoo. I have one thing to say about that - LOL. I'm not going into details because blaming never solved any problem, but suffice it to say, my childhood trauma was very real and I experienced the death of my own baby before I was 20 years old; a beating from a husband before I was 20 years old; the death of most of the people who were closer to me than parents before I was 21 years old; and the choices I've made since then have been a result of the trauma that I sustained myself. So, if you're walking around on eggshells waiting for me to be the bad guy in your fairy tale - don't. I am only the bad guy in the story you tell yourself to make yourself feel better for the way you treated me. I'm something entirely different to the people who know me.

The hardest choices, right. I digress...

You know when you really cannot abide someone and you talk bad about every living quality they have to every person you know because you just need to get it out of your system? You blast them on social media. You blast them to everyone in your family. You blast them because you just cannot fathom how someone like this exists. You know what I mean? Of course you do, don't lie. Well, then something happens and you are given an opportunity to find out who they are in real life. It's like Gwyneth Paltrow. Whoda thunk she was a really down to Earth cool person in real life. She seems so bougie on the red carpet. Tim McGraw! That's another one. They are actually just as normal as we are in real life, but on the surface you're just like "well I know I wouldn't like them because they - blah blah blah". So, you've said all this and you've said all that and you've had bad thoughts and you've dreamed bad dreams, and then one day you find out the person you've been lambasting isn't exactly who you thought they were. Come to find out, the person you thought they were exists, but not the way you thought. Yeah she might have some issues with distinguishing one thing from another, but is it actually malicious? You've never taken into consideration that she had childhood trauma and she's reactive, or actually proactive, and will tear you a new asshole before you can tear her one because she was hurt so badly as a young person that all she knows is to defend herself - at any cost - even if there was never a need.

Come to find out who you thought you knew, you never knew at all, and you have muddied her name in every sentence it's appeared in for decades. You weren't exactly wrong, but you weren't right either, you just had a different perspective of the events going on around you - and you had a different subjective point of view about this person. When you try to stop, regroup, revamp your thinking, go about this from a different way, people are going to ask questions. Well, I thought you hated her? Well, I thought she did this and that? Yep, she did, but she ain't doing it now - so I'm letting it go, Elsa. The hardest choice sometimes means no choice at all - just do it. See what happens. What's the worst thing that could happen if you decide to compartmentalize your opinion of Russia? They attack? Well, you prepared for that decades ago. You know you can't trust them and it wasn't a misconception. However, if it turns out to be a boon for your life and economy to make peace with Russia and you can both benefit from the relationship, oh how much better would that be? Tough choice.....make the right one. :)