Who Cares?

I'm fixing to preach.

I don't know anyone who absolutely does not care what other people think of them. I know a few who are less than concerned, but there are still a few people left whose opinions they (somewhat at least) value.

Most of my life it's been important to me not to insult my family name. Seriously. I know, I know, I've been married more than once, more than twice, and for some reason or another that's a blight on my own name. For some reason, it would have been aces if I had just shacked up with those arseholes instead of marrying them! For some reason or another, sleeping with random men bears much less consequence on one's social status than actually being in love with them and marrying them in front of clergy!!! If it doesn't work out, no matter who's to blame, you have the stigma of a divorced person to carry around with you for the rest of your life like an ugly, jailhouse tattoo that your cousin did with a sewing needle and some India ink as a joke when you were at summer camp!

It's INFURIATING at this moment, the isolation a person feels when the rest of the world looks at them like a failure or loser because they did not make a marriage work with a man who was unfaithful, physically or emotionally abusive. It's positively nauseating to imagine what my life had been like if I had "toughed it out" and stayed married to ANY of my ex-husbands knowing what I know now.

Yes, I'm a very forgiving person and I still care a great deal for my ex husbands. They were rotters in their own way, but I chose to marry them, so obviously I was willing to overlook their faults and flaws at one time and loved them anyway, despite and in some cases BECAUSE of them. Now we're not married, and they're ALL married to someone else (some of them several times) and so I don't feel like I was a failure. I feel like it was something I had to experience in my life in order to be who I am right now.

Yet, there is still that reputation to consider. My name has changed more than I care to count, but I have not. I'm still pretty much the same person (just not quite as impulsive). One has nothing more important on this planet than their name, I've been told. Well, what is mine? The thing in itself bears no guilt for the past, so why must I? Why can't they be deleted? Like they never existed....

Because they can't. Like every scar, they tell a story; a page in my life that I experienced, and I experienced it. I didn't just walk by it and nod and keep moving, I lived the joy and the pain from beginning to bitter ending, and learned to trust less and to let less and less of myself out, because I tend to be too much for people. I tend to be opinionated and somewhat assertive in my ideas and language, and people don't really want honesty. People want to be coddled and reassured that they are okay and that they're not crazy.

What is wrong with being crazy? We all go a little crazy sometimes. It's a natural part of the human condition to let your guard slip from time to time and have a good cry or a screaming match behind the wheel of the car at absolutely nobody. The only person who can hear you is you, but you can hear you, and you can hear yourself REALLY REALLY clearly. Sounds nuts, but me, myself and I have had some truly inspirational conversations at times, while we sort out the details of why we weren't good enough for our biological father to stick around. It's a psychological thing. Little girls actually do need their father to act right in order that they can see what a man is supposed to be so they don't model their future husband after a godless twat.

Yes! I use swear words - ROUTINELY and I'm absolutely not ashamed of it. I mute that part of my vocabulary for content when I'm in the presence of certain people who do not speak that way out of respect for THEIR belief. Just like I wouldn't slap a Muslim in the face with a slab of bacon, I just have some respect for other people - and, like it or not, I have respect for myself.

I AM IMPORTANT TOO and what I have to say, however I choose to say it, is just as important than anyone else, more so in some cases, and should I choose to decorate my speeches with colorful adjectives then it's my choice. I'm almost half a century old. I have earned the right to speak as I choose, about whom I choose, and use the words I select from a vocabulary that I've amassed over decades of weaving the English language together like a tapestry to earn a living for myself and my family.

Yes, I've failed at marriage. More than once.

I'm not 100% sure I didn't at least partially fail at motherhood but most mothers feel that way at least on some level. I like to think I did a decent job of raising my children, getting them through some of the hardest times in their life, and helping them emerge on the other side wiser, but unharmed, because I was there to absorb some of the pain with them and for them. It's what mothers do.

My point is, life really is a popularity contest. People don't want to be around a raging asshole all day long and hear someone's hate speech every single time they open their mouth. People don't want their opinions to be challenged by someone with every conversation. People don't want to be involved with a person who has a mind of their own, but if you're willing to mill along with the herd then you're just peachy. You totally belong.

Well, accept me for who I am and how I am, faults and flaws, or sod off in 2021. I am a Christian, a follower of Christ, and I have worked hard my entire life to overcome the bitterness of wrongdoing and forgive the trespasses of people like the woman who destroyed my 1st marriage, 2nd marriage, 3rd marriage...etc. I worked hard to get past that, to not be consumed by anger and wrath, so I focused more on my children, so that they never had to feel that kind of misery. But I have fallen short. I pray for discernment and I read the Bible, every single translation of the Bible, even the books that weren't "included" and I feel certain about the hereafter, whether I'm weighing down a church pew on Sundays or not.

I do still feel contempt for people who do not own the misery they caused others.

I do still feel a great deal of contempt for ANYONE who abuses a child. ANYONE.

So, while it is what it is - I just wanted to get this off my chest.

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I love my friends and the ones who know ME for ME and not for who they THINK I am will appreciate this speech. The ones who think they know me, well, you're probably in for a big surprise in the coming months.

Life may be a popularity contest - I know social media is. People are so concerned with sedating their emotions on social media so they don't offend that they have forgotten who they are underneath it all. Well, I've remembered......

Happy New Year.